Hello, my name is Aubree Kraut. This is my story from fear to faith. I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I am recovering from anxiety, perfectionism, and sexual pain. I am a part of a wonderful support group at my church called “Celebrate Recovery”. Celebrate Recovery is meant to help anyone dealing with hurts, habits, or hang ups. That sounds like pretty much every adult in the world, right? Now to get into the details.
I grew up in a loving christian home with my mom, dad, older brother, and younger sister. We lived in Lapeer, Michigan and went to First Baptist Church in Davison, Michigan. I didn’t have any big trauma or major problems as a child. However, I was very very shy and afraid of everything for most of my childhood. My best friend was my cousin, Corrie. She spoke enough for both of us so I rarely needed to talk except around close friends and family. Although, I could never have imagined myself speaking in public, I did love to sing! Singing was a passion of mine and could always brighten my mood. I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 5. I remember that it was close to Christmas time and I had been asking my mom and dad a lot of questions about Jesus and the bible. They told me that Jesus would be my forever friend if I invited him into my heart and that he would guide me through anything I faced in life, good or bad. For someone who is terrified of her own shadow, having a best friend right inside of me was a dream come true! Especially one that would help me out whenever I asked! I accepted Jesus and was baptized the following Easter! It wasn’t very complicated to me. Who wouldn’t want to be saved from hell? Who wouldn’t want a best friend to take with them everywhere? As I got older I learned that not everyone saw it this way and life got a little more complicated.
As a teenager, my biggest struggle was an internal one. I had my school friends and my church friends. These groups had very different beliefs, interests, and worldviews. My school friends were interested in impressing each other, impressing boys, seeing how long they could last without eating, and always comparing themselves with each other. ( I know, sounds like a good time, right?) My church friends loved the Lord as I did and knew how to have fun without comparing each other, without being rude or rebelling. I made it my mission in 8th grade to invite my school friends to youth group and camp to try to help them understand there was a better way. Some of them came a few times, but ultimately my mission failed. Since I was the “church girl” they could not share their weekend stories around me anymore. Their weekends had started involving smoking, drinking, and whatever guy they were chasing at the time. That was a turning point for me. I begged my parents to move to Davison so that I could be with my church friends, the only fellow teenagers that I could trust. I honestly did not think that they would listen to me. After all, I was only one of three children, and as the middle child, I frequently did not feel like my voice was heard - the middle child complex I guess. But something kept telling me I had to ask... To my surprise, we moved that summer and I started Davison High School with my church friends.
I had my church friends and eventually I found the courage to step outside of my shy box and made new friends. Choir, volleyball, and youth group became my life. Can you believe that God used choir to grow and strengthen my character the most? My senior year I was so excited to finally get a speaking part and solo part, as was tradition at our school. We did the play “Bye Bye Birdie” and I was excited to get the part of Mama Mae Peterson, until I found out I did not get to sing, like at all. Not only that, but I had to speak with a jewish mother accent and be funny! What? I was not naturally funny. I laughed at others' jokes a lot, but never dared to try out humor for myself! I grew a bit emotional, a bit anxious, and wondered how on earth this could be in God’s plan. But God used this role to strengthen me and strengthen my sense of humor. That was when I first started using humor to get people to like me. I tucked that tool in my pocket and it came in handy frequently later in life!!!
In my experience with youth group, summer camps, and mission trips, one of my favorite parts was listening to fireside sharing, when all of the teens would walk up to the campfire and give a testimony about how they overcame something very hard they had faced. It always either pointed them to Jesus or brought them closer to Him. For some reason I ignored the tough part of their testimonies and thought only about how they came out stronger and smarter and closer to Jesus. I began praying that God would give me a wonderful testimony to share some day. One that would bring others closer to Him! That was not the smartest prayer I have prayed, I can tell you that! Don't get me wrong, I don't blame God for my battle. God tried to make me speak up and get help many times and I didn't listen. I chose fear over faith. That is always where my struggle comes from, but I am learning and getting better every day at fighting for myself, but not by myself!
Later in High School and into college, my sister and I began singing and traveling and writing songs together. We sang mostly at youth events, churches, and summer camps. For the most part, it was a great experience, but we did learn a valuable lesson. People will fail you. Even christians, even nice people. Some will put you in a box, label it “christian girl image”, and proceed to tell you what you should eat, drink, sound like, and look like. When your sound or your look doesn’t quite measure up, it is changed for you. And then the person who changed it is given credit. I was bitter about that for a long time, but have since forgiven those people and moved on. Life is too short to hold grudges, but I did hold on to the lesson that it taught me. That was when I learned to be careful who I trust. Something was telling me not to trust certain people in this experience and I didn't listen at first. You see, part of being a christian is that little voice inside that nudges you, prompts you, reminds you to do something or say something. Some call it a gut feeling. I call it the Holy Spirit. When I listen to that still small voice inside, great things happen!
I went to Grand Valley State University, in Grand Rapids, Michigan in 2002. I was so excited to finally have some freedom and independence! My dream had been to major in music, but that did not work out, so I settled on my next favorite subject: Psychology. I found a wonderful youth group right on campus called “Campus Ministries”. The first time I met my husband, Sam, was because he had a major crush on my roommate and cousin. He kept coming over to hang out with her and I slowly fell for him! Again, that little voice inside kept nudging me towards Sam for some reason...Corrie eventually realized his feelings for her and said that she thought I would be much better suited for him. I was officially the friend that had to let him down for her. This was before the time of Facebook and texting. AOL Instant Messenger was how everyone on campus communicated, so I let Sam down on AOL Instant Messenger and proceeded to build him up and encourage him so much that he could read between the lines and see that I had feelings for him. He then asked me out on AOL Instant Messenger. We did everything together and fell in love quickly! We were engaged in 2004, and that’s when all of the trouble started…..
As the date of our wedding was approaching, Sam informed me that he had a pornography addiction, but was working on quitting and begged me to forgive him. Wait what? This was not my plan. He was one of the good guys! I thought that we were waiting for marriage! Well, by his definition he had not “cheated”. I viewed it differently. But I forgave him, ofcourse, and prayed that he would have the strength to quit. Around this same time, I had to go in to get my first ever pap smear. To my doctor’s disbelief, I confirmed that I was a virgin, and she had to call in someone to train right then. (Apparently I was a dying breed) She then explained to her assistant as they both eyeballed my vagina, that “this is what we do with virgins”. The pain was unbearable and I cried through the whole thing. The doctor again explained to her sidekick something. She said that I had a tilted uterus. I asked her what the means. “Oh, that just means that you will have some pain during sex.” Um, okay. I still didn’t know what that meant. Does this pain last forever? What do I do about it? All of these questions formed in my head but I could not voice it to her for some reason. I didn't listen to those nudgings within for some reason... That big old fear monster was attacking again and I just laid there and cried and took it. She did not mention that I had a greater chance of getting yeast infections, that I may experience a protrusion at the abdomen, that I may have trouble with incontinence or with using tampons….. This was before smartphones and before googling became a way of life. There was no way I was telling my family or friends or anybody! I was too embarrassed. So I just did nothing, just expected pain. The wedding night came and went. Sex was impossible, way too painful to do anything, so we took it slow. When we did have sex, it was always horribly painful for me and glorious and heavenly for him. This added to my already pessimistic personality. Still, I told no one. I started getting what I thought were UTI’s every single time that we had sex. We were on our own, dirt poor, I was still in school, so I could not go to the doctor and pay $100 every time. Sam became unemployed shortly after we got married, so then he was miserable, too. My choices were to become celibate or to have painful sex every stinking time. Since I had already married a man whose love language is physical touch (as much sex as possible, anywhere, anytime), I figured celibacy was no longer an option, so a painful life it was. Oh joy..... I accepted my fate and began to fake it frequently. I didn’t want to tell him that this wonderful glorious act that he loved so much was my worst nightmare, was a chore that I dreaded, was the worst part of marriage for me, by far. I couldn’t hide it for long, though. I am a terrible liar and my husband is compassionate. Despite him wanting sex all of the time, he did not want to see me in pain. So we fought about it a lot. Did I win, did I lose? We both lost every time, I think.....
He wanted me to talk to someone, to get help somehow. I wanted to just stop having sex. Easy fix right? Oh wait, my husband is obsessed with sex. And he quit porn for me! But when faking it didn’t work and when I refused to get help, he of course, went back to porn. Looking back, I don’t really blame him. It had gotten so bad that I would turn him down before he would even ask me. He would start to flirt. I would give him one kiss and hug and then say “We’re not having sex tonight.” and walk away. Sometimes it was a week between sex, sometimes 2 or 3 or 4. He did his best to be gentle, to not hurt me. But I always got hurt and ended up crying on the toilet or huddled on the floor with a washcloth or ice pack. I finally had had enough and built up the courage to speak to one friend who was a little older and wiser about my pain. She had not heard of it and told me that I must just not be used to sex and that I needed to have a lot more sex and give it to him anytime he wanted because if I said no, I might drive him back to pornography or into the arms of another woman. I didn’t want that. So, I fought through the pain. I tried to have as much sex as possible with Sam, which he enjoyed, ofcourse, but did not enjoy seeing me in pain. After I graduated from college and finally got a real job with insurance, I started to go to the doctor and get treated for my infections. This helped a little, but the pain during sex did not go away. He kept telling me to ask someone and I refused. That big old fear monster had a grip on my brain again. What if I find out that I have some horrible disease and will die soon? No thanks, I’ll stick with my pain that is familiar. I’ll stick with this horrible bitterness between Sam and I that I don’t like to talk about. The worst fight we ever had was when we had just moved back to Davison and we were living with my parents because there was no way that we could afford a house. I had promised Sam sex because he’d had a hard week at his new job, and then I chickened out, again, and said I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through that pain again for his pleasure. I couldn’t stress out to give him stress relief. He lost his temper, which is not common with my laid back husband. “Why can’t I have sex with my own wife? What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just go get some help!? We can’t keep living like this!” I didn’t do it right away, but when I did finally find a good paying job with insurance a few months later, I made a doctor appointment. I went in to that doctor praying that God would fix everything that day. I laid my heart out on the table. Since many in my family have allergies, I asked the doctor if my sexual pain could be related to allergies, sensitivities, something that I need to avoid? The doctor looked at me puzzled and said “Sexual pain, no, that’s not a thing. It’s probably just from your infections, and your infections are probably just because you hold your pee too long. You should go to the bathroom more often.”
Not a thing? So I’m lying now? So it’s all in my head? UNBELIEVABLE! I politely told the doctor that I don’t hold my pee too long and then I left that office forever. I started searching for another doctor, but I waited before I opened up to someone again. We got pregnant with Shawn 3 years later. I mentioned pain during sex along with frequent infections to my OB/GYN. He said that anything and everything I am experience is due to pregnancy. I said “No, this has been going on since I’ve had sex”. He said “Trust me, any pain that you have is from pregnancy and will go away after having your baby.” I left furious and vowed to once again never open up to anyone in the medical field. At 6 months old, we discovered tons of allergies with Shawn. It seemed like a new one popped up every few months along with another hospital visit, another rush to the ER, all the way until he was 3. My needs were put on the back burner. Then I started to look into allergies and the effect that food has on our bodies. Since Shawn had so many allergies, I figured I could do something with my health by eating better. I went on a new eating plan that cuts out sugar, wheat, and gluten completely. For a couple of months, I found relief. I did not have an infection, and a few times within those couple months, I had pain free sex. But then it came back with a vengeance when I slipped up one time and had sugar by accident at a restaurant. I started tracking my cycle and realize that whether we had sex or not, I had pain at a certain phase in my cycle. I started to tell my new primary care doctor. She told me that I had a yeast infection, not a urinary tract infection. And she put me on strong pro-biotics. Then, because that went well, I got brave and went to a new OB/GYN. I laid my heart out on the table one more time. Balled my eyes out and begged for a miracle. She had no idea what I was talking about, but she knew someone, a fellow gynecologist, that had experience with vaginal pain and how to treat it. At the risk of losing me as a patient, she referred me to him. I thank the Lord for her bold move! I had an appointment to see Dr. Fellenbaum in June of 2016 after a 2 month waiting list. I went to see him and balled my eyes out again retelling my story. He said that he was used to seeing women with my same pain, my same symptoms, and that everything was going to be fine. He sent me home with a topical cream and referred me to a vaginal physical therapist at Renue Physical Therapy. Yes ladies, there is such a thing as a vaginal physical therapist. The only one that my doctor knows of in Michigan is a male, ofcourse. I began questioning this man’s motives for his career choice. What man studies vaginas? And not just how to treat them with medicine, how to physically manipulate the tissues to get them back in working order? But, my doctor assured me that the PT was legit, that many women said he had helped them find relief from their pain, and that I absolutely had to see him. By the way, if any of you happens to have a college age friend or daughter that is deciding on a major still - tell her to go into vaginal physical therapy! She could make a killing - I promise you! I went to the physical therapist reluctantly. He explained the whole problem to me and what we were doing about it. Our bodies are so amazing! My body had experienced pain and infections to begin with when I started having sex, which is sometimes normal for women with a tilted uterus. However, when I did not treat the infections, and when I kept having sugar and gluten and wheat which turn into sugar in our bodies, the infections kept getting worse and lasting longer. Then my body started fighting on it’s own when I did not fight for it. It began rejected my husband because it did not want anything else coming in that could harm me! Instead of having a pliable cervix that is built to move and bend and allow for pleasure, I had a brick wall, known as a friable cervix. It was like layers of scar tissue, similar to what sexual abuse victims would experience. Even though I was letting it happen, my body fought my husband as if he were an intruder. So Sam and I did our homework, we did some exercises and some techniques that helped my body to get used to allowing him in and accepting him again.
After about 2 months of weekly sessions, I was able to experience pain free sex. And a couple of weeks later, I was able to experience an orgasm for the first time in my life, at 33 years old! How crazy is that!? I still have to avoid sugar, wheat, and gluten. We still have to have regular sex, or else my body goes back to its natural tendency and puts a wall up to fight for me. I also need to add that Sam has completely quit pornography. He actively avoids temptation and checks in with me frequently so that I know he is still okay. There are a couple of strip clubs that show mostly naked women on their signs on a road close to us. He always avoids that road even though it would be a shorter distance driving to work. He does not meet with a woman alone, no matter what! And I don't meet alone with a man no matter what! When women dress provocatively in public he either looks at me directly as we pass by or he looks up and away from them. I am so blessed with a man who works on himself daily because he knows what I have gone through already and he knows that going back to his past pornography addiction is not an option. I have learned how to fight my fears, how to stick up for myself and for my health, and how to relieve stress and enjoy sex! God is soooooo good! I am now on a mission to talk about this with anyone and everyone who will listen. There are other hurting women out there who don’t know how to find healing! If this is you, please connect with me on social media and I can point you in the right direction to get healing! Don’t stay silent anymore!
Photo credit to Laura Jayne Photography
You want to know why I chose this photo? Since Sam and I did not have a good intimate relationship for so long, we appreciate it so much more now! One of our favorite things to do is gross out our kids!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Love and blessings!
Aubree